1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
