Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
