I just made out with a guy for $7.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
