Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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