i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
