I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
