I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
