I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
