Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
