Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
