that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
