the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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