I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
nutella sex= disaster
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
