im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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