I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Randomize
