Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
and you fell through a lawn chair
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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