My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
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Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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