I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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