walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
