she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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