i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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