my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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