Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
