well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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