Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
