fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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