and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
