How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
