it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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