Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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