He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
