in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
