i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
