then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my shit smells like andre
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize
