I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
