i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
