Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
