I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
