Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
