I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
