u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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