Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
