I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
