the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
