I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
