Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
