peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't think brook has ever known best
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
