everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
