I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
