cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
