you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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