There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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