If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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