I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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