his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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