I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
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i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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