Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Farmville is her only friend.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
