wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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