i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
