I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
