The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
