She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
