Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
